


Suspicious Minds (We’re Caught In A Trap)

by Alice_Writes_Stuff



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV)
Genre: Alien Character(s), Alien Technology, Annoyances to friends, Developing Friendships, Dialogue Heavy, Eventual Friendship, Inspired by Lilo & Stitch, No Romance, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:34:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25985212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_Writes_Stuff/pseuds/Alice_Writes_Stuff
Summary: Summary: Special Agent Ainsley Orlando is not happy. The planet Earth is not as fascinating as it sounded in the guidebooks, the wildlife is far more dangerous than it seemed, and, of course, there’s the slight concern of their travelling companion- the scientist Dr. Fernald Caliban, who has created life, a word which here means, a fuzzy, yellow ball of chaos that has managed to escape captivity and escape to Earth and has to be retrieved with minimal fuss. Things are about to get messy…(Decided to write this after a couple of discussions over on the VFDiscord, which essentially boiled down to "Lilo and Stitch-inspired AU where Fernald and Ainsley are Jumba and Pleakley respectively.")
Relationships: (kinda) - Relationship, Fernald | The Hook-Handed Man/The Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, Friday Caliban & Fiona, Sunny Baudelaire & Fernald | The Hook-Handed Man, Sunny Baudelaire & Friday Caliban
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	1. Part One

Special Agent Ainsley Orlando was _not_ happy. They were on their way to Earth, a planet that they had studied and researched for years, ever since they’d found out that it was the primary habitat of mosquitoes, an endangered species, and one of their main food sources, humans. Ainsley considered themself to be something of an expert on the subject of Earth and its many inhabitants by now, and they were happy to have an opportunity to actually put that knowledge to good use.

There was just one problem- their travelling companion. Dr. Fernald Caliban was a convicted criminal, who had created a living creature- a small, fluffy, yellow… thing, with six limbs, large ears and, if the reports were anything to go by, a bit of an attitude problem. The creature, known officially as Experiment S-T-B, had found its way to Earth, and Ainsley and Caliban had been tasked with retrieving it.

“So, is there anything else I should know about the creature before we reach Earth?” they asked.

“Well, apart from the obvious destructive tendencies, she’s sensitive to flashing lights, and she really doesn’t like water,” Caliban replied.

Ainsley frowned, taking a sip of their drink. It was a drink from Earth, known locally as “coffee,” and it tasted pleasantly bitter. Placing the cup into a cup holder, they crossed their arms.

“Did you make your creature a female based on the assumed belief that they are less likely to be destructive, or did it just come out that way?”

“You know, for someone who comes from a planet where biological gender isn’t a thing, you have a lot of opinions about those of us who come from planets where it is a thing.” He shrugged. “To answer your question, it did just turn out that way.”

“That makes sense, I suppose,” Ainsley replied.

They checked the navigation system- Earth was about twenty minutes away now. Ainsley closed their eye, planning to get a little rest before their ship landed, but opened it again when Caliban spoke.

“Your turn, Agent Orlando- what should I know about Earth before we get there?”

“Well, first off, most of the planet is covered with water- many of its inhabitants live on landmasses of varying sizes and shapes, including humans. Though some species live in the water instead, and-”

“Is there anything else, that might actually help us find S-T-B?”

Ainsley thought about that for a moment, but they couldn’t think of anything. Chances were, S-T-B would stick out pretty easily, as an entirely new species- though there was still a possibility that she might be able to blend in somehow.

“I don’t know,” they admitted. “Although, I do know that some Earth scientists will collect species that are rare or that they’ve never seen before, and they’ll either display them so that others can look at them, or they’ll run tests and experiments on them to try and work out what they are. So, we should try to find S-T-B quickly before someone else does.”

* * *

Finally, they reached Earth. S-T-B’s ship had crashed onto a tiny landmass, known locally as an “island,” and once they parked their own ship, their next job would be to track her down.

“The good thing about landing on such a small landmass is that we’ll have less ground to cover, and we should be able to find S-T-B quickly and be done with this,” Ainsley observed.

“Don’t curse the mission, Orlando- nothing good ever follows the phrase _we should be done with this quickly,_ or any similar variants,” Caliban countered.

They made their way through the woods, keeping an eye out for anything particularly small, yellow and fluffy. Ainsley tried to focus on the task at hand, but after a while, their attention wandered a bit, and they ended up studying the surrounding plants and other wildlife instead. While the majority of their research on this planet had concerned mosquitoes and humans, they did find a degree of fascination in all of the lifeforms that inhabited this planet, and actually seeing them up close was enough to make them forget the real reason they were getting this opportunity, even for a short time.

“Orlando, I’ve spotted her,” Caliban said, snapping them back to reality.

Sure enough, if they were to continue on down the path they’d been walking down, they would’ve seen a white building, with something small, yellow and fluffy on the porch.

“What do we do?” Ainsley asked, ducking behind a large rock.

“We shoot her with the stun gun, then go in and grab her and take her back to the ship. We’ll be-”

“No, no, Caliban, if I’m not allowed to say any variation of _we should be done with this quickly,_ then neither are you, it’s only fair.”

“Fine,” Caliban muttered, and pulled out the stun gun.

Before he could pull the trigger, though, three humans came out of the building. Ainsley pulled out their binoculars, so they could get a better look. Two of the humans appeared to be adults, while the other was a child. The child ran over to hug the small, yellow creature Ainsley assumed was S-T-B, which was when they realised that they’d overlooked one of the possible ways that S-T-B could’ve been taken in by an unsuspecting human. She could’ve been adopted as a pet.

“Wait, wait, you can’t shoot her now! Not now that there’s humans involved! We could be interrupting this planet’s whole ecosystem, the consequences could be devastating!”

“I thought you said only scientists would take in something like S-T-B!” Caliban protested.

“No, I said that was something that could happen. Instead, some human child has adopted S-T-B, and now this whole thing has gotten a lot messier.” They sighed. “Look, when humans decide to take an animal or whatever into their houses, it means they’re either already emotionally bonded to it, or they are in the process of forming an emotional bond, which never takes very long to develop. So it’s now going to be much harder to extract her now.”

“Much harder, maybe, but not impossible,” Caliban countered. “If we go down now, we should be able to collect her anyway.”

“No, we can’t!” Ainsley protested. “Not without proper disguises, anyway! We need to blend in properly, right now we absolutely do not.”

* * *

There was a box of Earth clothes and other disguise tools in the ship. Ainsley grabbed a few items- a blue dress with yellow and orange flowers on it, a dark brown wig, a round pink hat and a red cardigan- and got changed quickly.

“Let’s go get S-T-B,” they said, once they joined Caliban, who was wearing a green shirt with pineapples on it and a hat with a moderately wide brim.

“Wait a second,” he said, gesturing to their outfit. “Are there any more colours or patterns you wanna get in there, or do you think you’re got enough?”

“Do you think it’s a bit much?” Ainsley asked, looking down at their dress.

“Yeah, just a bit.”

“Fine,” they muttered, shrugging out of the cardigan and putting it back into the box. “Better?”

Caliban nodded. They were about to leave the ship, when they spied something else in the box, and pulled it out- a necklace made of several round white beads. Ainsley tried to put it on over their head, but it wouldn’t fit.

“Give it here,” Caliban snapped. Ainsley frowned, but handed it over. “Turn around, I’ll put it on quickly and we can get moving.”

“No, no- rule number one when dealing with a convicted criminal, you never turn your back on them.”

“While that is generally a very sensible policy, right now it’s maybe not the most practical,” Caliban countered, then moved behind Ainsley and fastened the necklace for them. “There you go, you didn’t technically have to turn your back on a criminal after all.”

Ainsley frowned, but didn’t otherwise respond. While that really hadn’t been as bad as they’d feared it might be, but that didn’t mean they were about to start letting their guard down now.

* * *

The plan was fairly simple- locate the family who had adopted S-T-B, and wait for the right moment to sneak in and grab her. Locating the family proved easy enough. There was the girl whom S-T-B had used as a shield yesterday, and the woman, who was either her sister or her mother, it wasn’t clear. The girl was only slightly bigger than S-T-B, with dark hair that she’d gathered into two sections which were held in place by red hair ties. The woman also had dark hair, though hers was gathered into just one braided section, and a pair of glasses with triangular lenses.

Ainsley and Caliban- though perhaps they should be thinking of him as Fernald, since he’d suggested they go by first names while undercover- watched as the girl, who had been left with S-T-B on the street, approached a group of other children, who were passing by on three-wheeled transport devices.

“Get that thing away from me!” one of the children screeched, pointing at S-T-B. The creature then proceeded to knock her off her transport device, and ride away.

“Nice work, Sunny!” the girl who had adopted S-T-B cried, as she and the creature disappeared into the trees.

“That. That is exactly why I insisted we go in disguise,” Ainsley said, gesturing to the remaining children.

“Sunny?” Fernald snapped, ignoring them. “I create a creature of unparalleled destruction and chaos, and this kid calls it _Sunny?”_

“Let’s deal with that later- right now I think we have a slightly bigger problem, like, I don’t know, the fact S-T-B stole a transportation device and is now on the loose?”

“Oh, no, that’s just part of her programming. Now she’s going to be drawn to the nearest large city, where she’ll block up sewers, switch road signs around and steal everybody’s left shoe.”

Of course, there weren’t any large cities on this particular island. There were plenty on the planet in general, but so far as Ainsley’s research had revealed, they were, for the most part, on the larger landmasses, known as continents, rather than on the smaller islands.

With that cleared up, there was nothing left to do but follow S-T-B around the island, hoping that before long, an opportunity would present itself for them to grab her and go. At one point, they stopped to get another Earth beverage, known as lemonade. So far, their disguises were holding up, which either meant that they were very good, or everyone else was very stupid.

“Quick question,” Fernald asked, setting down their drinks. “Is _wife_ another Earth term for _friend?_ I’m noticing there’s a lot of those, and I thought that might be another.”

If Ainsley had started drinking their lemonade, they would’ve spat it out at that question.

“No, it’s not. It’s… it’s what humans usually call their female life-partners,” they replied. “Why do you ask?”

“It’s nothing- I think the person I bought the lemonade from must’ve thought we were life-partners.”

“They probably assume that of most people they see who go places in pairs- it’s not that big a deal,” Ainsley replied, taking a nonchalant sip of lemonade.

It probably wasn’t a big deal on this planet, they thought, and they should probably treat it accordingly. Problem was, back home, it _was_ a big deal. Most people only ever had one life-partner, and while Ainsley didn’t have one yet, they still knew it was not something to be taken lightly.

“Why do I feel like this is getting us nowhere?” Fernald sighed, bringing them out of their thoughts. “That kid and S-T-B are stuck together like glue.”

“You mean _Sunny?”_ Ainsley asked, taking another sip of their drink. “See, this is that whole _emotional bond_ thing I mentioned earlier. We’re going to have to tread carefully and move quickly once we do get an opportunity.”

Not that it would really matter at this point- however carefully they went about extracting S-T-B, now that she had latched onto these humans, there would be no way to extract her without hurting anyone, either physically or emotionally. But there was no way for Ainsley or Fernald to leave this planet and carry on with their lives if they _didn’t_ find a way to retrieve S-T-B. They couldn’t all win, that much was obvious.

* * *

That evening, their investigations took them to a local restaurant. They sat at one of the tables outside, not far from the table where S-T-B and her human shield were sitting. S-T-B was standing on one of the chairs, while the girl was scribbling something in the book she had with her.

“Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do,” Fernald said, reaching into his bag and pulling out two grey hand restraints. “I’ll lure S-T-B in with food, then when she comes over here, you restrain her with these. Got it?”

“Got it,” Ainsley nodded.

Luring S-T-B in was surprisingly easy. Once she caught the scent of the food bribe, she left the girl to her own food, and came straight over to their table. Immediately, Fernald reached down and grabbed her.

“Get the restraints!” he snapped.

Ainsley reached into their bag and grabbed them, trying to put them onto S-T-B’s small limbs. But she kept wriggling and struggling to get away, it was impossible to apply the restraints.

“Can you just hold still for one second?” they asked. S-T-B did not hold still. Instead, she knocked off Ainsley’s round pink hat, and bit down hard on their head.

“What the hell, Sunny?!” a voice screamed. Whoever the voice belonged to was trying to yank S-T-B off of Ainsley, but they were just making things worse, as now the thing’s sharp teeth were scraping against their head and it was hurting more than the first bite.

Finally, S-T-B let them go. The owner of the voice- the woman with the triangular glasses and the single braid- backed away from the table, holding her tightly to stop her escaping again.

“Are you okay?” she asked. Ainsley nodded, though they were going to have a few strong words with Fernald about his _creature_ when they were done here. “Are you sure? You don’t look okay- your head looks a bit swollen, and are those bitemarks?”

“Don’t worry about my wife,” Fernald replied, picking up Ainsley’s hat and flapping it in S-T-B’s general direction. “She’s always been a bit ugly.”

“Don’t listen to my husband,” Ainsley snapped, glaring at Fernald. “He’s just an asshole.” They snatched their hat back, and shoved it in their handbag.

“Well, if you’re absolutely sure everything’s alright,” the woman said. With a shake of her head, she walked away, still holding tightly to S-T-B.

* * *

“Did you _have_ to give that _thing_ such a fierce bite?” Ainsley asked, once they had returned to their camp, which was just outside the ship.

“Well, she wouldn’t be much of a force of destruction and chaos if her bite wasn’t worse than her bark, would she?”

“Well then, mission accomplished, Caliban! I hope you were pleased with the outcome of your stupid experiment!”

They stormed into the ship, needing to get away for a moment before they did something stupid, like try to hit Caliban with their handbag or something. On reflection, they were more than a little annoyed at Caliban specifically, not just his creation, so it was probably best if they parted for a bit.

After a moment, they left the ship again, rejoining Caliban. It was silly to be upset by what he’d said earlier, or the fact that a relative stranger had seemed to care more about whether they’d been hurt than he had. After all, they weren’t really anything to each other, and didn’t really owe it to the other to be nice or particularly caring. They were stuck together for the duration of this mission, and that was it. Still…

“Do you really think I look ugly?” they asked, after a couple of minutes sitting beside the small fire.

“Do you really care what a convicted criminal thinks about how you look?” Caliban countered.

They were quiet again for a little longer, as it occurred to Ainsley for the first time since they’d left for this mission that maybe Caliban didn’t like being treated as a criminal because he had created something that Galactic Control didn’t approve of, and that in continuing to treat him as such, they were part of the problem. They sighed.

“Okay, I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot here, and we’re not really going to get anywhere if we just keep taking cheap shots at each other and calling each other names.” They held out their hand. “I’m sorry I called you an asshole, and treated you like a criminal. I really didn’t need to be such a jerk about it.”

“It’s fine,” Caliban replied. “I’m sorry I called you ugly. And I’m sorry I was kind of a jerk about you getting bitten- admittedly I’d never seen S-T-B in action like that, I hadn’t realised exactly what she was capable of, and I think I was more interested in that than in the actual consequences.” He shook his head. “Never mind that, though- let’s just agree to not be horrible to each other going forward, and call it a night.”

“Agreed.” They shook hands, and Ainsley realised that this was the first time they’d actually touched one of the synthetic hands that Caliban had instead of his real ones, after those had needed to be amputated following another failed experiment. It didn’t really feel any different from a normal hand, which they probably shouldn’t be surprised by- after all, Caliban’s planet did have some of the most high quality prosthetics in the galaxy. Then they realised that they should probably let go of Caliban’s hand before things got too awkward. They let go, and turned their attention to the stars above them.

The silence that descended between them now was much less tense. Ainsley was about to go back into the ship to get some rest, when something small landed on their arm.

“Hey, look,” they said, pointing at it with their free hand. “A mosquito has decided to land on me!” It was the first time they had seen one of the little creatures that had drawn them to study this planet, and they stared at it in fascination as more and more mosquitoes joined it. “Look, there’s more of them!” They continued to appear, landing all over Ainsley’s arms and head. “I had no idea there would be this many!” They smiled, pleased that tonight had taken a turn for the good. And then the mosquitoes started biting their new host.

* * *

“You really can’t catch a break, can you?” Fernald asked, once he’d finished helping Ainsley put bandages over their stings. “If you’re not being bitten by S-T-B, you’re being bitten by those mosquitoes you were studying.”

“Shut up,” Ainsley muttered. “I wonder how she’s getting on now, anyway? If she’s still with those humans, or if they’ve kicked her out after what happened?”

“I wonder, too- the thing is, I never really thought beyond giving her destructive, chaotic tendencies. So, if she’s got nothing to destroy, then she doesn’t really have anything- at least, nothing that wasn’t part of her programming. I wonder what that’s like, to not have anything, not even memories?”

“It sounds lonely,” Ainsley admitted, and it did.

They knew what would have to happen to S-T-B if she were caught and taken back to the Galactic Council- at best, she’d be faced with exile, to a place where there would be nothing to destroy, and nothing to fill the remainder of her life with. At worst, she herself would be destroyed. Was it really right to hand her over, knowing that was what would happen? Was it really right to let her roam free on Earth, knowing what she could be capable of? The more they thought about it, the more it became clear that there was no perfect outcome here. It was much, much too late for that now.


	2. Part Two

Part Two

The next morning, Fernald had come to a decision regarding the remainder of the mission. He was going to continue it alone. It wasn’t anything against Agent Orlando- their Earth expertise had its uses. But the fact they kept getting bitten by things and attacked by things meant that they may prove to be a liability going forward.

Admittedly, after everything that had happened yesterday- particularly what had happened last night- there was a part of him that actually liked Agent Orlando, and didn’t necessarily like the thought of them continuing to get hurt because they’d gotten involved in his mess. Not that they needed to know that, obviously.

Just as he was getting the last of his equipment together and was getting ready to go, Orlando- Ainsley, he corrected himself, it made more sense to be on first name terms at this point, at least in his head- came out of the sleeping quarters, uniform on and communicator in hand, and poured a cup of coffee. There were still fading bruises on their head from where S-T-B had bitten them, and not all of their mosquito stings had healed either.

“So, what’s the plan today?” they asked, pressing a button on the communicator and tucking it in their pocket.

“I’m going to get S-T-B, while you stay here and get some rest.”

Fernald had always assumed that you needed more than one eye to be able to roll your eyes- that being said, he genuinely couldn’t think of a better way to describe what Ainsley did when they heard that. They crossed their arms, frowned and briefly flicked their gaze up to the ceiling. It wasn’t technically a full eye roll, but it might as well have been.

“What? We’re supposed to be doing this thing together, you can’t put me on the bench now!”

“I’m not putting you on the bench- I’m putting you in the ship, which doesn’t have any benches.”

“It’s an Earth expression,” they explained. “That’s not the point, though- the point is, I’m coming with you, and that’s it! I’m the Earth expert, you’re the S-T-B expert- we’re supposed to do this together.”

“I know,” Fernald said, shaking his head. “It’s just, you’re kinda little, and you keep getting bitten by things…”

“There’s no need to be protective of me, I can take care of myself.”

“I’m not being protective!” he replied, a little too quickly. “I just don’t want you becoming a liability, that’s all.”

“I’m not going to become a liability,” they said. “Look, we’ve started this thing together, we might as well finish it together, right?”

“Fine,” Fernald replied. “Let’s go, then- we have no time to waste.”

* * *

At first, they followed the same pattern that they had yesterday. Disguised once again as Earth citizens, they went around the island’s main town, following S-T-B and their humans. It seemed that the three of them were on some kind of mission- though whatever S-T-B and the smaller human were up to, it was clearly different from whatever the taller human was trying to do.

Regardless of what the three of them were trying to do, everywhere they went some kind of chaos followed in their wake. A woman ended up with a watermelon on her head, a coffee pot was broken, and those were just some of the more obvious signs of damage.

“This is getting us nowhere,” Ainsley said, shoving the book they’d been pretending to read back in their handbag. “I mean, it didn’t get us anywhere yesterday, I don’t know why we thought it was gonna work out today.”

“You’re right,” Fernald agreed. “Let’s get back to the ship, I think we need to try a different tack.”

* * *

Ditching the disguises, they went to the beach. Hidden by the trees, Fernald watched as S-T-B and her humans built structures from the sand and travelled on the nearby water on flat boards. That last part didn’t seem especially safe, but the humans didn’t seem to mind. There was three of them now- a dark haired woman about the same age as the one with the glasses had joined them.

While he waited for a moment where nobody was paying S-T-B any attention, Ainsley sat a few feet away, contacting their family on the communicator. Fernald left them to it, and focused his attention on S-T-B, who had sort of buried herself in the sand. It seemed that the humans, after building their sand structure, had buried the child in the sand, and S-T-B appeared to be trying to mimic them.

This was interesting, since it suggested that she might be starting to evolve past her basic programming. Fernald supposed that she would’ve done this eventually, though admittedly he hadn’t exactly planned for that when he’d first set out to make her. Admittedly he hadn’t exactly planned for a lot of the things that had happened after he’d set out to make her.

“Wait, what’s she doing?” Fernald asked. S-T-B had gone back to the water, riding on one of the human’s boards. She shouldn’t be able to do that, she should be too afraid of the water to be willing to risk going near it. “She can’t swim, what is she doing?!”

“...Things are going fine, aren’t they, Fernald?” Ainsley said, poking him in the arm. From the slight nervous edge in their voice, it was clear they weren’t talking to their family any more. “Fernald, back me up here!”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” he said quickly. “Wrap that up, we have to go.” They said a quick goodbye and disconnected the call.

“That was Grand Councilwoman Strauss. I think we’re running low on time to get this done.”

“How low?” He paused, shaking his head. “Actually, you know what, don’t answer that. Get the oxygen tank and the restraints, we’re getting S-T-B now.”

* * *

Grabbing S-T-B was, surprisingly, the easy part. She was standing on the back of the board, which meant that nobody was really paying her any attention. It was fairly easy to reach out of the water and pluck her off the board without anyone noticing what they were doing.

Once they had her, though, the tricky part proved to be keeping a hold of her. She kept wriggling and squirming, trying to get free. She even bit at Fernald’s hands, which, since they were the ones with the nerve-based wiring, actually hurt a bit.

Finally, she managed to puncture a hole in Ainsley’s oxygen tank, sending them flying out across the ocean- and dragging Fernald away with them.

“Rocket!” she cried, by which she meant, _Blast off out of here, assholes!_ At least, he thought that was what she’d said, and what she’d meant. It was a little hard to tell under the circumstances.

* * *

They ended up just next to a small rock, which was jutting up from the water. Fernald sat on it, then leaned down to help Ainsley join him. There was just about enough space for both of them if they didn’t move about too much- or at all.

“Great,” Ainsley muttered, shaking water from the sleeves of their uniform. “Now what do we do?”

“I don’t know,” Fernald admitted. “We had her there, and then we lost her- I really don’t know what we should do next.”

They would have to go back, he knew that- even if they just went back to get the ship and get off the planet. Sure, they would probably be on the lam if they did that, and there would be no telling what S-T-B might do if she were left on this planet. They had to go back, it was the only way.

“We should probably head back,” he said.

Quickly, he swapped his current pair of prosthetic hands for another pair, stuffing the original pair into his bag. This new pair was designed to be better for swimming, the fingers slightly apart and unable to bend or move.

“Ready?” Ainsley asked, once he was done. They hadn’t seemed particularly fazed by what he’d done- they’d spent most of the time sort of staring into space, though, so they probably hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary.

“Ready,” Fernald replied.

* * *

By the time they got back to the island, it was morning. Ainsley had had a couple of run ins with a few unfriendly sea creatures, and at one point they had managed to get lost, but finally, finally they reached the shore.

“You okay there, Ainse?” Fernald asked, as his companion yanked something purple and wet off their face. He wasn’t sure why he’d called them that- it had just slipped out.

“I hate this planet,” they muttered, tossing the purple creature back into the ocean and flopping down on the ground. Just then, their communicator started buzzing. They sat up, and pulled it out of their uniform pocket.

“Um, it’s Agent Orlando here,” they said, awkwardly.

“I have had it up to here with the pair of you,” Grand Councilwoman Strauss replied. “Do you have S-T-B or not?” Ainsley said nothing. “In that case, you can consider yourselves fired and bound for prison. I have never known such incompetence!”

Ainsley disconnected the call, and flopped back down again. “Great,” they muttered. “That’s all we need.”

“Did I hear that right? Are we fired?” They nodded. “You know what this means- it’s my experiment, and my rules!”

“Your rules?” they asked, sitting up. “Why do I not like the sound of that?”

He ignored them, replacing one hand with one of his usual prosthetics, the other with a retractable blade.

“This shouldn’t take too long,” he said, grabbing the gun he was planning to use to stun S-T-B.

“Don’t kill anyone,” Ainsley said. “It’s not even about the ecosystem or whatever, just… they seem like decent people, don’t kill them, okay?”

“I’ll try,” he replied, then left to hunt for his creature.

* * *

He found her in a clearing, huddled over a book nearly as big as she was. A twig snapped beneath his foot, and she jerked her head up to look at him.

“Don’t run- I don’t want to have to shoot you, you were expensive.”

“Caliban?” she asked, her ears twitching slightly in confusion. “Here?”

“Yes, that’s right- I’m here to take you away, so if you could just come with me-”

“Waiting,” she said.

“What are you waiting for?”

“Family,” she explained.

“You haven’t got a family, not really. You were made in a lab because I wanted to test a few theories out.”

“Found,” she countered, by which she meant, _There’s more than one way to gain a family- you can make your own, like I did._

“But you’re not built to create things- you were only built to destroy them. That’s why you’ll never truly belong.”

“Salad!” she shouted, by which she meant, _Well, I can do both! I can do good things and bad things!_ And then she ran off into the trees.

Fernald followed her back to a white house with a red roof, which he assumed belonged to S-T-B’s family.

“Come back here, you overgrown lump of butter!”

S-T-B ran straight into the house, hiding behind the little girl she’d been hiding behind for the last couple days now.

“Sunny, what’s going on?” the girl asked.

“See, I told my friend that I’d avoid killing your human friends- but that doesn’t mean you can hide behind them any more. Now come on, let’s keep this nice and simple.” He pressed a button on his sword hand, extending the long blade. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Sunny, run!” shouted the girl, grabbing S-T-B and disappearing down a hallway.

“Come on, don’t make this messier than it needs to be! Just come out from wherever you’re hiding!” He sighed. “Look, there’s nothing to worry about! Sure I’ll be taking you apart, but I’ll put you right back together! This time I’ll make you taller, and a bit less fluffy!”

“Fluff!” she yelled, which meant something like, _Hey, I like being small and fluffy, thank you very much!_

She kept running around on the roof, and Fernald kept shooting at her- but instead of actually hitting her, all he managed to do was bring the roof itself crashing down, taking S-T-B down with it.

“You could do with a makeover, though- I had over six hundred designs I wanted to try out, I’m sure we could find one that suits you better!” Sighing, he pressed the button to retract the blade, leaving both hands free to hold the gun.

The girl darted past then, running over to a door just across from where Fernald stood, S-T-B running with her. Fernald was somehow not that surprised when she opened the door and Ainsley was in the doorway.

“There you are, you’re alive!” they cried. The girl slammed the door closed.

“How many are there?!” she shouted. She started to tug the door open again, perhaps deciding that she might be better taking her chances with Ainsley than continuing to stay in the house.

“Not so fast!” Fernald snapped, throwing a knife towards the door in the hopes of jamming it shut- and instead nearly hitting Ainsley. “Ainse, seriously, get out of here, you’re just gonna get in the way!”

“Never mind that!” they said, coming into the house. “Where did the kid go?”

“Hello, Mr. Snicket?” a voice from the other room said. “Aliens are attacking my house!”

“Give me just one second,” Ainsley said, before disappearing into the other room. “No, no, there’s no aliens here! Everything’s under control!”

Fernald sighed, but focused his attention on finding and catching S-T-B. Unfortunately, he’d had to put down his gun in order to throw the knife at the door- and the little creature had gotten hold of it.

“Nottub!” she shouted, which probably meant something like, _Wow, there’s so many buttons on this thing! I wonder what’ll happen if I press this one?_

“Hey, you shouldn’t be playing with guns!” Fernald snapped.

“Okay!” S-T-B said, then shoved a small carrot into the barrel end of the gun and handed it back.

“Thank you,” he replied. He frowned, noticing the gun had swollen a little. Definitely not a good sign- it would blow up in their faces if they didn’t ditch it soon. “Er, wait, I just remembered, it’s your birthday! Happy birthday!” He tossed the swollen gun back to S-T-B.

“Happy Hanukkah!” she replied, tossing it back.

“It’s not Hanukkah!”

“Happy Christmas?” she tried.

They kept tossing it back and forth, neither wanting to be the one holding it when it exploded. Finally, they were out of time, and there was nothing left to do but drop the gun and flee the house, which exploded into flames barely a minute after they had left.

When Fernald found Ainsley in the forest area surrounding the house, they were alone. By now, a couple of black auto-mobiles had pulled up outside of the house, and a man with dark hair and a dark grey suit was carrying the girl towards one of them.

“Where’s S-T-B?” Ainsley asked.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Let’s try and find her, okay?”

* * *

The forest was rather dense, which made looking for S-T-B difficult. It was like they were right back where they had started when they’d first landed on Earth, scanning the trees and undergrowth for S-T-B. There was no sign of her anywhere, though- and when they walked past a large, round footprint, Fernald had a strong suspicion that he knew exactly where she’d gone.

“I don’t think we’re the only ones here looking for S-T-B,” Ainsley said.

“You think?” Fernald muttered. Just then, a strong gust of wind blew through the forest, the kind that was usually generated when a spaceship took off. “Oh, that’s not good.” Looking up, he watched as a large black ship flew over the trees and away from sight.

“You think?” Ainsley replied. “Who do you think that was?”

“There’s only one person it could be- Captain Olaf. Which means that Galactic Control have S-T-B. Not sure what that means for us, but if we head to the ship we could get off this planet and get far away before they-”

“Fernald, shut up.”

“What? It’s not _that_ bad an idea- it’s a big universe out there, it should be easy to disappear.”

“No, seriously, shut up- I heard something.”

Sure enough, not far from where they stood, there were voices- one belonging to the human woman who’d pulled S-T-B off Ainsley’s head the other night, the other belonging to S-T-B herself. Before they could think too hard about how to approach this situation, they burst through the treeline, where S-T-B and the woman were standing. S-T-B had extended her third pair of limbs and her antennae, and the woman was wielding a flimsy looking stick.

“You’re under arrest!” Ainsley said, once Fernald had scooped S-T-B up and restrained her. “Read her rights.” They pulled out their communicator. “Galactic Command, this is Agent Orlando- we now have S-T-B in custody.”

“What… what is going on?” the woman asked. “Where’s Friday?”

“We don’t know who you’re referring to- wherever this Freddie person has ended up, though, I’m sure they’re quite safe,” Fernald replied.

“Friday!” she shouted. “Her name is _Friday,_ she’s a little girl, she’s only six years old! She has black hair and brown eyes, and she’s been hanging around with that _thing_ for the last two days! Some giant grey alien has taken her away, and I need to find her!”

“Yeah,” he admitted, with a sigh. “Yeah, we know the kid you’re talking about.”

“Bring her back, right now!”

“Sorry,” Ainsley said. “We can’t do that- it would be a misuse of official Galactic Resources.”

“The thing is, we just came here to get S-T-B- and now we have her, our mission is over. We don’t have the authority to intervene in any other matters.”

“So… so that’s it? She’s… gone?” She let out a sob, and sank to the ground. “I can’t believe this. Just when I thought things were going to get better…” she trailed off. “Why am I even bothering to explain? I couldn’t even get the human social worker to see that we needed to stay together- I don’t know why I’m trying to get two aliens to understand.”

“Crusoe,” S-T-B said, which meant something like, _Don’t give up- we can still get Friday back._

“What did you say?” the woman asked, frowning at her.

“Friday back!” she tried. “Get Friday back!” She looked up at Fernald. “Hey, Caliban! Help Friday!”

“You have got to be kidding me! After everything we’ve went through to retrieve you, you want us to just forget all about it and help you out?!”

“Yep!”

“Fine,” he said, unlocking her restraints.

“Fine?” Ainsley asked. “You’re gonna do what she says, after everything that’s happened?”

“Of course. She is very persuasive.”

“Fine. Just to be clear, though, what exactly are we being _persuaded_ to do here?”

“Rescue the kid.”

“You mean we’re getting Friday back?” asked the woman.

“Yep!” S-T-B replied.

* * *

They headed straight for the ship, taking the woman’s- Fiona, that was her name, apparently- motorbike. Fernald rode it, while Ainsley and Fiona sat behind him, and S-T-B sat on his head.

“Wow, this day is just the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it!” Ainsley shouted.

“I know, right?” Fernald replied.

Once they reached the ship, they took off. Fernald and Fiona sat in the front seats, S-T-B wandered around exploring, and Ainsley sat in the back calmly reading a book.

“So, what exactly are we doing?” Fiona asked.

“Don’t worry about that- we’re professionals, we have this whole thing completely under control.” He sighed, and picked S-T-B up from the ground. “Hey, get that out of your mouth!” he said, pulling a spoon from the kitchen area out of her jaws.

“Babadoy!” she shouted, by which she meant, _It’s no use- I’m gonna cause problems on purpose, and you’ll let me off with it because I’m a baby and I’m adorable!_

“You aren’t completely wrong,” he replied.

“How can you understand her?” Fiona asked.

“I made her, gave her fairly basic communication skills- like a baby, essentially. But she can pick up vocabulary and stuff really well, so she will eventually be able to talk as fluently as anyone.”

“You made her,” she said, flatly. “Well, I hope the achievement was worthwhile. My family’s being torn apart, I’ve lost my job and my house. Even your friend got attacked by Sunny- yes, I do know you were the couple from the restaurant the other night, I’m not completely stupid. I just hope all that destruction and pain was worth it.”

Fernald was about to say something in response- though what he could say, even he didn’t know- when they finally broke through the clouds and saw that the captain’s ship was right in front of them. They pulled up alongside it, S-T-B standing in the window so she could give the captain a wave.

“I’ll go!” she said, running over to the side door, starting to open it. “Wait- squirrel!” she added, which meant something like, _Actually, I’m sure if I have some coffee, it’ll give me the energy I need to get this done!_

“You heard the kid, Ainse,” Fernald said, checking and confirming that Ainsley was the one who was closest to the coffee pot. “Get her a coffee.”

“Sure, why not,” they replied, pouring out a cup and handing it to S-T-B. “Knock yourself out.”

S-T-B knocked the coffee back in a couple of gulps, then set the mug down, yanked open the door and leapt out.

“What do we do now?” Fiona asked.

“There’s not a huge amount we can do. See the screen here, it’ll let us see S-T-B’s movements. We just have to keep an eye on that, and stick close by. That’s all we can do.”

“Okay,” she replied. Then she added, frowning, “Why do you call her S-T-B?”

“It was the official designation I gave her. I was originally going to use a number- 626. But the problem with that, of course, is that when you refer to something as Experiment 626, people suddenly want to know what happened with Experiments 1 through 625, and since I was already in risky territory by creating S-T-B, I figured using letters was a good way to avoid too many awkward questions.”

“I see,” she replied. Then she pointed to something on the screen. “Wait, Sunny’s heading to Earth- do you think she got Friday?”

“No- if she had, there would be two dots, not just one. Besides, she’s moving too quickly, like she’s falling. No, whatever’s happening, it’s not good.”

“Should we head down there?” Ainsley asked.

“Maybe,” Fernald replied. Checking the screen again, the circle shape which marked Olaf’s ship was also moving in the same direction as S-T-B. “Actually, that’s a great idea, since Friday is technically heading that way too.”

Before they could reach the ground, though, there was a loud thump, like something had landed on the wing.

“There they are!” Ainsley sad, peering out the window.

Sure enough, S-T-B and Friday had landed on the wing of the ship, Sunny carrying Captain Olaf by his collar, which was frankly impressive considering just how small she was, and how big the captain was. Now, with the three of them in tow, they could safely return to the island. They stopped the ship just above the water, and Fernald hit the brakes.

“Hey, Violet!” Friday called, which was when he noticed that the other young woman from yesterday was sitting on her board in the water, not far from the ship. “Could you give us a hand getting back to shore?”

“Yeah, sure,” Violet replied, looking at the passengers and crew. “I’ll need to take a couple trips, though.”

* * *

No sooner had they all returned to the shore, they were surrounded. Grand Councilwoman Strauss had arrived, and she’d not come alone. One of her guards snatched S-T-B before anyone could stop them, and clamped yet more handcuffs on her small wrists.

“Let her go!” Friday shouted.

“Hold on, we can deal with this,” said the man in the dark suit Fernald had seen earlier. Now, he could see that the man was wearing a black tie with a pattern of lemons on it, and a serious expression.

“Where do I even begin?” Strauss asked, glaring at the assembled aliens and humans. “You,” she said, pointing to Olaf. “You’re retired. You were supposed to be discreet, and you’ve been anything but! It is completely unprofessional, and I won’t tolerate it!”

“For what it’s worth, we had been pretty discreet up till now,” Ainsley pointed out.

“At this point, Orlando, that is worth nothing! Frankly, you’ll be lucky to end up on a Fluff-Trog Farm by the time we’ve got this mess sorted out.”

“I think we’d better go,” Fernald said quickly, starting to lead them away. “I, er, left my-”

“You’re not going anywhere, Dr. Caliban! You’re the one who’s responsible for all this! If it hadn’t been for your S-T-B-”

“Sunny,” S-T-B corrected.

“Sunny, then. If it hadn’t been for Sunny-” she frowned, and turned to look at S-T-B.

“Sunny go in ship?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so.”

“Sunny say goodbye?” she asked. Strauss nodded. “Thank you,” she said, and went over to Fiona and Friday.

“Who are you?” Strauss asked, as the two sisters embraced their unusual pet.

“Family,” S-T-B replied. “This is my family. Found them myself. Not big, not perfect, but good. Very, very good.” She sighed, and walked back to the ship.

“You don’t really have to take her, do you?” Ainsley asked. “They could look after her-nobody would have to know.”

“It’s not that simple- our laws are absolute, you know that. No matter what, I can’t change what the Council decrees.”

“What if our laws said otherwise?” the man in the suit asked. “Friday, you bought that thing at the shelter, didn’t you?” Friday nodded. “You have the receipt?” She nodded again, pulling a slightly crumpled piece of paper from her pocket.

“Hey!” she said, tugging on Strauss’s cloak. “Hey, alien lady!” She held out the piece of paper. “Three days ago, I bought Sunny from the animal shelter. I paid two dollars for her! You see this stamp? That proves that I own her- which means that if you take her away, then you’re stealing!”

“Aliens are all about following the rules, aren’t they?” the man said, smiling. Strauss frowned.

“You sound a bit familiar- have we met?”

“Probably- Roswell, 1973? I worked for the CIA at the time.”

“Yes- you were wearing a hat, though, that’s probably why I didn’t recognise you.” She smiled, and looked around. “In that case, it is my pleasure to declare that this morning is different from all other mornings, in many ways. From now on, the creature formally known as Experiment S-T-B, will be sentenced to a lifelong exile, which is to be carried out right here, on planet Earth.” Removing S-T-B’s handcuffs, she set her down between Fiona and Friday. “And, as the official caretakers of this creature, now known as Sunny, this family will now be under official protection from the Galactic Federation.” She paused. “We will need to check in every now and again,” she added, looking up at the man.

“You know, I was afraid you were going to say that,” he replied. “I normally love explaining things- I’m not looking forward to explaining this one, though.”

“I know what you mean,” Strauss said.

With that, she turned, and got back on her ship, taking her guards with her. Once the ship had taken off, Fiona turned to look at the man in the suit.

“You worked for the CIA?”

“I did tell you I was a special classification of social worker, Miss Widdershins. I just didn’t tell you that was a phrase which meant I was a former CIA agent. I managed to save the world once by convincing a race of aliens that mosquitoes were an endangered species, but I don’t like to show off about it. Never mind that, though- we need to have a discussion about your house.”

“Did he say what I thought he said?” Fernald asked.

“That the whole mosquito endangerment thing was a trick to keep the Earth from being destroyed, meaning the basis of my years of Earth-related research was built on a lie?” Ainsley replied. “Yeah, I think so.” They shrugged. “Luckily, this planet has plenty of other things going for it that I can study instead.”

“Does this mean you wanna stay here?”

“Yeah- why, are you staying too?”

He nodded. “Yeah- I feel kinda responsible for S-T-B, since I made her. It feels like I ought to stay here and keep an eye on her.” He shrugged. “Guess we’re stuck together for a little longer, huh?”

“Tragic,” they replied, though somehow, Fernald didn’t think they thought it was tragic- not even a little bit, not at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: 
> 
> The reason Fernald's last name in this fic is Caliban rather than Widdershins is a nod to the theory that prior to marrying Captain Widdershins, Fernald and Fiona's mother was a member of the Caliban family- possibly being connected to Friday's father, Thursday.
> 
> Stitch! Sunny being referred to S-T-B is a reference to another theory, specifically the theory that Sunny was named after S. Theodora Markson, and her full name is therefore Sunny Theodora Baudelaire, thus making her initials S.T.B.


End file.
